The List of Scary

My mind is full of all kinds of things...this last week has been really hard for me. In all honesty I know I am on edge awaiting my next perinatology appointment and ultrasound. This anxiety rolls over into all aspects of my mind. Trying to talk myself down off "the cliffs of insanity" with: "breathe in love, breathe out stress" only works so well. I figured maybe if I write them down they will have less power over me.

1.  I went off my antidepressant...lets just get that one out there to start with. I was taking 1/2 of the lowest dose for the last couple months. Then I forgot to take it one night so I just decided to stop taking it....
I have been a hot mess but there are ALL kinds of reasons that I could be exceptionally emotional.

2.  I read Brooke's blog post and it sent me into a total tailspin (not her fault) it was just a huge trigger. A trigger because I am easily triggered and remember...I'm on edge. I remember like anyone whose baby has died inside of them, that terrible horrific feeling, the one where you push and nudge and plead for movement but nothing comes...NOTHING...
The night I read that post I sat on my bed and sobbed, sobbed and felt like I did in the early days after Camille died. I felt dizzy and lost and beyond sad.
I JUST MISS HER SO MUCH....ALL THE TIME. It doesn't go away. I went downstairs and told D how I was feeling. He rubbed my back and told me I should try and stay positive...That just pissed me off. No comfort there. I can't be positive when I am sad. I feel like I do such a good job most of the time. Enjoying my life, loving, living, hoping, laughing...but I AM SAD too. Here is the other thing: I AM SCARED.

3. I took my second AFP test last week and that stressed me out.

4. I worked 8:30 to 5:30 on Thursday with no lunch and no break and when I do mobilizations I wonder if it is too jerky on the baby.

5. I got a cold and that concerns me....because I AM SCARED.

6. I have only gained 5 pounds so far. I rationalize this with the fact that I started my pregnancy 20 pounds overweight, but I rationalized a lot of things like lack of movement with Camille...so it worries me. My stomach is getting bigger. The doppler reads 135 - 155 bpm, BUT I don't have an appointment until Tuesday.

7. Here is a BIG HUGE ONE: D got a new job last week...or lets say he is in the process of getting a new job. D has his graduate degree in administration and he's had it for several years. He got a job right after Camille died signed a contract etc...and then we got into that horrific car accident. He went through the whole process of un-interviewing and going back to his old job in the classroom and coaching. He decided to pursue it again and he got a vice principle job this last week or rather he is their "recommended candidate" and has three more interviews next week. I am happy for him. He stepped down from the last position for our family and now I think this will be good for him....BUT it just so happens that his last interview is with the Superintendent at the same exact time as our BIG ultrasound at children's hospital. He cannot change the meeting time. I tried to change my appointment but they didn't have anything until after the window of gestational age bracket for this ultrasound. I tried to explain the situation but it made no difference. I CAN NOT GO ALONE! So I called my BFF and doula who has been there through both of my births and held and kissed both of my children and she will drive from Santa Cruz for the ultrasound with me...THANK GOODNESS...because I AM SCARED and I am going to be a wreck.

I keep thinking that if I could just get through this next week. If everything looks good, maybe I can BELIEVE a little more, breathe a little easier. I am short tempered and quick to tears. I recognize that this is a sign of my stress, my lack of control and my investment in our family, our future, and this baby. I recognize that I am still entrenched in my grief and I will spiral into depths of despair (dear Anne of Green Gables) at any given moment. I am just hoping that somehow all of this turns out positively. Everything about my pregnancy with Camille was perfect, normal, uneventful...until she was dead. I still don't know how a perfectly healthy baby just dies. So now when they run tests on me and say...everything looks totally normal... it gives me little consolation except that I am so glad that it is normal....Sigh.

SOOOOO there it is...many of my worries written down and sent off into the universe or at least blogland. Hoping that it can turn into bright white lights and the stress that is removed will leave my soul open for more love and peace....at least that is what I would say to my son if we were in our meditation space.
"Good loving thoughts, good loving words, good loving feelings"