About Me

My photo
My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Rocking Three

Kai asks me to rock him.
I hold him in my lap.
I sing to him or hum softly with my lips against his soft blond hair.
I breathe in his little boyness and think to myself:
I am rocking all three of my babies.
One is in my lap, one is in my heart and one is in my belly.
So much joy, so much sadness and so much hope...
all wrapped up in one session of rocking and a little hum.

41 comments:

  1. Oh! So happy for you. Sad for you too. Praying for you, and for all three of your babies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So many mixed emotions.. so happy for you too and wishing your other baby was closer to you too. Thinking of you all xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. :D I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!! I had a feeling bc u hadnt been blogging as much. Its so hard to blog when you arent ready to announce. But Yay!! Such wonderful news!!!!! Now U know I want more deets than that! How far along, etc.?

    I have been rocking my baby in the belly, and it makes me think of doing the same with Hayes. So glad I at least got to rock him somehow.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love you and the incredible news. You are not alone through this, just know. We are here. I am here. xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a sweet way to put it! It's not easy being pregnant after loss, but hopefully it will be worth it!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Keep rocking. Breathing, rocking and loving all of your babies! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Renel, I am so happy to hear you are expecting another made from scratch, unique, little miracle. It has been 5 weeks since our loss and my husband and I are at two different states. He wants time to grieve, and I am in the desperate mode of wanting to be pregnant again to have someone to mother. I hope someday I am where you are with another little baby in my belly. Congratulations. Marie LaBreche-Olson

    ReplyDelete
  8. I knew it too my friend. I just knew it. I'm sending you all the best-pregnancy-after-loss vibes I can muster.
    Your little Kai, there to hold. Your little Camille, filling your heart and your little bean filling your belly. Noone could ever know how this must feel. I'm beyond happy for you and yours Renel. So much love to you right now. xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. kate,I can honestly say that I was worried about your heart when posting this. I know that you are supportive and send me love and I appreciate that so much...but I also know how hard news like this must be for you. I want you to know you have been in my thoughts over the last several months...and hoping that this didn't break your heart any more than it already is.

      Delete
  9. Oh Renel, this is beautiful. You are beautiful. Sending love and hope and peace as you care for all three of your children. xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. I suspected, too :) Happy, exciting, bittersweet. Lots of love. Hope you're feeling well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. WAHOOOOOO!!! Love hearing this! I am pregnant too...just not annoucing it on my blog yet! Email me! I need to know how you are doing? I feel crazzzzy! So exciting yea yea yea! It's like a sigh of relief just knowing ones growing instide you! You know Camille is so close to your heart! ah man Love that little girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sent you an email lady. So happy to hear your news as well. Hugs

      Delete
  12. Congrats!!!! I am so happy for you. It is an emotional ride to the very end, but so so worth it. Wishing you a peaceful pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lots of love to you and the three babies, friend. So happy for you, and standing with you always. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is confusing with all the emotions so mixed but this is great news! Congrats. xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have never commented before, but when my daughter was stillborn in January, I read through all your archives. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Camille. "One is in my lap, one is in my heart, and one is in my belly." Such a lovely image. Wishing for a peaceful pregnancy for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marchisfordaffoils- I am so sorry that your daughter is not here in your arms, it is so rough, this life without your baby. I am glad you have found the interwebs of baby loss parents to help hold you up through this tragedy.

      Delete
  16. Quietly delighted for you Renel! I know your head is probably spinning from all the emotions this brings, but just sitting with it, rocking, being is all you can do. Love to your brood of three xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love this news and the way that you announced it, Renel! You are lovely and so are your beautiful children.
    lots of love and congratulations. xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, Renel, I am so happy for you. I have been hoping for this possibility for you everyday. Wishing you all the best in the months to come.

    ReplyDelete
  19. So glad to read this. All three of your babies, so loved. Sending peace and love for the months ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congratulations, Renel. Such a sweet announcement, and your words are truly lovely, as are you. I will be here, hoping along with you. Much love to you and your family of 5. xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you so much for all of your kind words...I know that you will all be an amazing support for me.

    ReplyDelete
  22. HOORAY! <-- that's my initial reaction, but then I thought if I were in your shoes it might feel a bit dubious so I'll whisper instead, hooray. My sincerest congratulations to you and your family. Please know that you are not alone on this tumultuous journey.

    For what it's worth, I've found the book Trying Again by Ann Douglas to be supportive and validating.

    Sending you peace and serenity.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Well, unlike all these ladies, I had no idea, but of course I am thrilled to hear the news. Hoping and wishing this baby means forever.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Renel,
    Quietly delighted for you...and tentatively hoping for the day I can rock another baby in a similar way. I am looking forward to hearing more about this little bundle.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh what WONDERFUL news. I hope the very best for you in the months to come.

    ReplyDelete
  26. i had a feeling too. very happy to hear this. when are you due?

    (i am due october 15... shh!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lydia I'm so happy to hear your news. You have been so quiet. Funny how when I let the cat out of the bag, how much news of other pregnancies become visible. Here's to hoping for healthy alive babies!

      Delete
  27. Congratulations Renel - simply great news! xx Di

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm super late to say this, but I'm so excited for you! Congratulations. I hope you're feeling good :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh I'm so late to this! I knew it as well. Just felt it and have for a while now. Utterly thrilled for you and terrified as well, because I know it is a long and scary road ahead. But I'm here for you, night and day.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wonderful news Renel. I'm wishing you a peaceful and completely uneventful pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Le GASP! Congratulations Renel. I am so happy for you! Three is a magic number:)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh - how did I miss this! Renel, so so happy to hear this. Sending lots of love and hoping you are feeling well. xxxxx h

    ReplyDelete
  33. Me too... count me as super special for missing this mamma... my apologies So thrilled for you as you navigate this road and sending hope love and light that will continue to illuminate the path ahead.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  34. Congratulation! So very happy for you. Will be praying for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete

I would love to hear what is on your mind