About Me

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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Rocking Three

Kai asks me to rock him.
I hold him in my lap.
I sing to him or hum softly with my lips against his soft blond hair.
I breathe in his little boyness and think to myself:
I am rocking all three of my babies.
One is in my lap, one is in my heart and one is in my belly.
So much joy, so much sadness and so much hope...
all wrapped up in one session of rocking and a little hum.

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40 comments:

  1. katie illingworthApril 9, 2012 at 6:56 PM

    Oh! So happy for you. Sad for you too. Praying for you, and for all three of your babies.

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  2. DandelionBreezeApril 9, 2012 at 7:28 PM

    So many mixed emotions.. so happy for you too and wishing your other baby was closer to you too. Thinking of you all xoxo

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  3. MollyApril 9, 2012 at 7:29 PM

    :D I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!! I had a feeling bc u hadnt been blogging as much. Its so hard to blog when you arent ready to announce. But Yay!! Such wonderful news!!!!! Now U know I want more deets than that! How far along, etc.?

    I have been rocking my baby in the belly, and it makes me think of doing the same with Hayes. So glad I at least got to rock him somehow.

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  4. still life angieApril 9, 2012 at 8:08 PM

    Love you and the incredible news. You are not alone through this, just know. We are here. I am here. xo

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  5. RachelApril 9, 2012 at 8:29 PM

    What a sweet way to put it! It's not easy being pregnant after loss, but hopefully it will be worth it!!

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  6. Mama BearApril 9, 2012 at 9:56 PM

    Keep rocking. Breathing, rocking and loving all of your babies! :)

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  7. KateApril 9, 2012 at 10:13 PM

    I knew it too my friend. I just knew it. I'm sending you all the best-pregnancy-after-loss vibes I can muster.
    Your little Kai, there to hold. Your little Camille, filling your heart and your little bean filling your belly. Noone could ever know how this must feel. I'm beyond happy for you and yours Renel. So much love to you right now. xoxoxoxo

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    Replies
    1. RenelApril 10, 2012 at 7:09 PM

      kate,I can honestly say that I was worried about your heart when posting this. I know that you are supportive and send me love and I appreciate that so much...but I also know how hard news like this must be for you. I want you to know you have been in my thoughts over the last several months...and hoping that this didn't break your heart any more than it already is.

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  8. My New NormalApril 10, 2012 at 2:11 AM

    Congrats!

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  9. TashApril 10, 2012 at 5:36 AM

    Oh Renel, this is beautiful. You are beautiful. Sending love and hope and peace as you care for all three of your children. xx

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  10. SGApril 10, 2012 at 6:46 AM

    I suspected, too :) Happy, exciting, bittersweet. Lots of love. Hope you're feeling well.

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  11. YounginsApril 10, 2012 at 7:53 AM

    WAHOOOOOO!!! Love hearing this! I am pregnant too...just not annoucing it on my blog yet! Email me! I need to know how you are doing? I feel crazzzzy! So exciting yea yea yea! It's like a sigh of relief just knowing ones growing instide you! You know Camille is so close to your heart! ah man Love that little girl!

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    1. RenelApril 10, 2012 at 7:09 PM

      I sent you an email lady. So happy to hear your news as well. Hugs

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  12. DarceyApril 10, 2012 at 8:08 AM

    Congrats!!!! I am so happy for you. It is an emotional ride to the very end, but so so worth it. Wishing you a peaceful pregnancy.

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  13. Mary BethApril 10, 2012 at 8:18 AM

    Lots of love to you and the three babies, friend. So happy for you, and standing with you always. xoxo

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  14. michelleApril 10, 2012 at 8:56 AM

    It is confusing with all the emotions so mixed but this is great news! Congrats. xoxox

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  15. AnonymousApril 10, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    I have never commented before, but when my daughter was stillborn in January, I read through all your archives. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Camille. "One is in my lap, one is in my heart, and one is in my belly." Such a lovely image. Wishing for a peaceful pregnancy for you.

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    1. RenelApril 10, 2012 at 10:27 PM

      Marchisfordaffoils- I am so sorry that your daughter is not here in your arms, it is so rough, this life without your baby. I am glad you have found the interwebs of baby loss parents to help hold you up through this tragedy.

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  16. AoifeApril 10, 2012 at 11:26 AM

    Quietly delighted for you Renel! I know your head is probably spinning from all the emotions this brings, but just sitting with it, rocking, being is all you can do. Love to your brood of three xx

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  17. Laura BeckApril 10, 2012 at 12:08 PM

    I love this news and the way that you announced it, Renel! You are lovely and so are your beautiful children.
    lots of love and congratulations. xo

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  18. BrookeApril 10, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    Oh, Renel, I am so happy for you. I have been hoping for this possibility for you everyday. Wishing you all the best in the months to come.

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  19. AmeliaApril 10, 2012 at 1:27 PM

    It's a beautiful thing.

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  20. Catherine WApril 10, 2012 at 2:13 PM

    So glad to read this. All three of your babies, so loved. Sending peace and love for the months ahead.

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  21. MissingMollyApril 10, 2012 at 5:05 PM

    Congratulations, Renel. Such a sweet announcement, and your words are truly lovely, as are you. I will be here, hoping along with you. Much love to you and your family of 5. xo

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  22. RenelApril 10, 2012 at 7:33 PM

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words...I know that you will all be an amazing support for me.

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  23. Pieces of MeApril 11, 2012 at 8:53 AM

    HOORAY! <-- that's my initial reaction, but then I thought if I were in your shoes it might feel a bit dubious so I'll whisper instead, hooray. My sincerest congratulations to you and your family. Please know that you are not alone on this tumultuous journey.

    For what it's worth, I've found the book Trying Again by Ann Douglas to be supportive and validating.

    Sending you peace and serenity.

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  24. B. Wilson @ Windy {City} WilsonsApril 11, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    Well, unlike all these ladies, I had no idea, but of course I am thrilled to hear the news. Hoping and wishing this baby means forever.

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  25. EmApril 11, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    Renel,
    Quietly delighted for you...and tentatively hoping for the day I can rock another baby in a similar way. I am looking forward to hearing more about this little bundle.

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  26. AnonymousApril 11, 2012 at 12:55 PM

    Oh what WONDERFUL news. I hope the very best for you in the months to come.

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  27. LydiaApril 11, 2012 at 2:31 PM

    i had a feeling too. very happy to hear this. when are you due?

    (i am due october 15... shh!)

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    Replies
    1. RenelApril 11, 2012 at 4:07 PM

      Lydia I'm so happy to hear your news. You have been so quiet. Funny how when I let the cat out of the bag, how much news of other pregnancies become visible. Here's to hoping for healthy alive babies!

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  28. DiApril 12, 2012 at 1:26 AM

    Congratulations Renel - simply great news! xx Di

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  29. JoyAndSorrowApril 12, 2012 at 7:49 AM

    I love this. <3

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  30. KateApril 12, 2012 at 9:00 AM

    I'm super late to say this, but I'm so excited for you! Congratulations. I hope you're feeling good :)

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  31. Hope's MamaApril 13, 2012 at 4:30 AM

    Oh I'm so late to this! I knew it as well. Just felt it and have for a while now. Utterly thrilled for you and terrified as well, because I know it is a long and scary road ahead. But I'm here for you, night and day.
    xo

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  32. briannaApril 14, 2012 at 9:54 AM

    Wonderful news Renel. I'm wishing you a peaceful and completely uneventful pregnancy.

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  33. SuzanneApril 14, 2012 at 9:46 PM

    Le GASP! Congratulations Renel. I am so happy for you! Three is a magic number:)

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  34. HanenApril 18, 2012 at 11:49 PM

    Oh - how did I miss this! Renel, so so happy to hear this. Sending lots of love and hoping you are feeling well. xxxxx h

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  35. AnonymousApril 19, 2012 at 6:17 AM

    Me too... count me as super special for missing this mamma... my apologies So thrilled for you as you navigate this road and sending hope love and light that will continue to illuminate the path ahead.
    xo

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  36. NatashaApril 29, 2012 at 3:05 AM

    Congratulation! So very happy for you. Will be praying for you and your family!

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