I know I should post an update, the one that tells all the details of where we are in the pregnancy, how long we tried, when we found out, how happy I was to know I had another chance...
But the truth is: I'm scared.
No...terrified (said in a whisper so as not to wake the gods)
A couple weeks ago I was convinced that the baby was dead. I had an OB appointment and it took my doctor a couple minutes to find the heartbeat. I felt like I had run 12 miles. I felt sick to my stomach and I flashed to having to go through the process of being un-pregnant, telling people, figuring out how not to spiral into the deepest pit of despair ever. Then there was a heartbeat and even the doctor freaked out and said "don't DO that to me", he is invested too and I know he was scared. Nothing quite like me...
The next several days were filled with doubt. I couldn't sleep for DAYS. I went in on Monday and asked to hear the heartbeat. I have never done that with any of my pregnancies. When the NP who I saw asked if there was a change over the weekend from my appointment on Thursday I said no....I am just scared. I told myself that if there was a heartbeat and the baby was still alive I would try and BELIEVE that this baby may actually live and come home with us. I got a Doppler and it has actually really helped. At first it was as anxiety inducing as it was relieving and I used it only every several days....Now...I use it almost everyday.
A Doppler would not have saved Camille's life. She was alive at 10pm at night and dead by 3am in the morning. There isn't anything that could be done at this point anyway. I am not far enough along. Right now it is a sit and wait and hope situation.
I just told the owner of the clinic where I work last week that I am pregnant. I am still not OUT about my pregnancy although everyone suspects and asks questions behind my back because....it is pretty obvious. I got pregnant 6 months after giving birth to a full term baby....this is my third pregnancy. My body has no problem "outing" me to the world.
The truth is, no matter how much I want to BELIEVE that this will work out....I am still scared. I have the baby's anatomy scan next week and I think I will believe a little more after that appointment if all goes well.
I am so attached to this baby. I was attached after my first ultrasound, that is just how my heart works. I am "all in" from the beginning. I want to be detached but that isn't my style. I want Camille but I can't have her. I want this baby but it feels like such a distant reality.
All I can do is sit and wait and hope....Oh and try not to FREAK THE F-OUT!
About Me
- Renel
- My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.
Not that our words can do anything to save this baby (like a doppler can't), but just know we BLMs are right there with you in this. It feels impossible and yet you're ALL IN.
ReplyDeleteWhenever you want to share more or feel comfortable, I'm reading. And hoping. And wishing.
I'm having this baby Saturday and it too feels like a distant reality. And super f'ing scary. Share deets when u r ready. We will all be here hoping for and with you!
ReplyDeleteIt's so understandable that you're anxious... you've been through so much. Glad the Doppler helps too and thinking of you for your upcoming scan. So so happy for you... such wonderful news for you and your family xoxo
ReplyDeleteWe are all cheering you on from here and so wishing that this ends in joy for you.
ReplyDeleteI was told my daughter was probably gone within minutes, based off the records and notes from what they could surmise happened. So...yeah...a Doppler wouldn't have done anything for me. Neither would have NSTs. In fact, I had a perfectly normal ultrasound 2 days before she died.
None of these made any difference with Georgie, yet I am doing them all this time and yes, am pretty obsessed with my Doppler. It just gives me relief. I use it at least once a day, and it really helps my sanity this time around.
Dear Renel,
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know I'm following and I'm praying this baby sticks around.
Being a mama means you are attached. There is no way around it. I'm also all in. And so hopeful with you!
ReplyDeleteCompletely understandable to be scared. I think anyone who is pregnant after a full term loss who tells you they aren't scared is lying. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteOh god this was so familiar Renel! I found pre-viability so hard for this reason, as there was nothing that could be done. Then the end was hard again as well, of course, because the end is when it all went to shit. Pretty much, it was all fucking hard! I have no advice for you, as I don't know how I got through it (twice) either.
ReplyDeleteSo I'll just send love.
xo
Completely understand your hesitancy and just know there are so many of us out there supporting you 100% of the way. It is a loooooong journey, but definitely worth all the fear and anxiety in the end.
ReplyDeleteSending well-wishes for a peaceful pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteAnd when you do freak the F out - we are all here for you. Understanding, waiting, hoping. . . it's a terrible shame that your pregnancy has to be this way. But we'll try to help you make the most of it and get through it one day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time, whatever you need.
ReplyDeleteI'm right here freaking the F out with you (another crying session last night when it took several minutes to find our baby's heartbeat before bed). Not sure if that helps, but it's our reality. Wishing so hard that the anatomy scan goes well. We are all pulling for you and the little one.
ReplyDeleteI am 14 weeks now and I am terrified. I find I havent been able to talk about the pregnancy much, we are strying to stay carefully detached but I know once I see the ultrasound and feel the first kick that wont last. It does seem like such a long journey in which we are waiting and hoping every day that we will get to complete it with a healthy happy baby. One day at a time I guess.xo
ReplyDeleteGosh I am so with you. It doesn't help, I know, but I can completely relate to EVERYTHING you are feeling--at least, it seems so. I wish there was more to do to help you through this, but know I'm thinking about you a lot, and sending good energy to you and that little one and your family.
ReplyDeletexo, friend
OK how did I miss this? I didn't know you were pregnant! When you did you announce it mamma? I went back through old posts and still couldn't find anything... my apologies for being late to extend my best wishes.. xo
ReplyDeleteI relate to the complete terror. I opted not to have a doppler, as I would have sewn/constructed some kind of Doppler dress that incorporated the Doppler to run 24/7. The only thing that helped was knowing this community existed so I could vent and someone would relate to what I was venting about. Love to you. xo
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I have nothing constructive to add, just that you should know you're not alone. Not in the least. Xox
ReplyDeleteI will confess that even at 24 weeks and feeling movement every day, I used my doppler yesterday just to wake up baby so I could get some strong kicks before work. It's crazy, and it won't save this baby if something goes wrong, but it made me feel better for a little while.
ReplyDeleteSo, so happy for you and will be thinking of you next week--anatomy scan is a great milestone to get past!
I don't blame you for being terrified. If/when the time comes, I know I will be, too.
ReplyDeleteI think you're allowed a freak out or two, or three, or four....
Sending tons of love to you and your precious little ones. xo
(to Molly above: You have the BEST name. :)
Oh, Renel, it makes complete sense to me that you'd be terrified. Sweet little flutter - I love those early images and the hope and excitement that comes with them. It also makes sense to be attached to your baby - he or she is inside of you, part of you, sharing your body and blood. I hope that you find those moments like you did with Kai, rocking peacefully, and loving Kai and Camille and this new little one. I'm here, no matter what. <3
ReplyDeleteOh, Renel, it makes complete sense to me that you'd be terrified. Sweet little flutter - I love those early images and the hope and excitement that comes with them. It also makes sense to be attached to your baby - he or she is inside of you, part of you, sharing your body and blood. I hope that you find those moments like you did with Kai, rocking peacefully, and loving Kai and Camille and this new little one. I'm here, no matter what. <3
ReplyDeleteOh love, I know that feeling! It is totally terrifying. But that bit where you don't know what is going to happen - that also means that something good might happen too. At least that was my way of getting my brain to embrace the uncertainty. Sending lots of love for the morphology scan and to you and your three beautiful babies. xxxx
ReplyDelete