I know I should post an update, the one that tells all the details of where we are in the pregnancy, how long we tried, when we found out, how happy I was to know I had another chance...
But the truth is: I'm scared.
No...terrified (said in a whisper so as not to wake the gods)
A couple weeks ago I was convinced that the baby was dead. I had an OB appointment and it took my doctor a couple minutes to find the heartbeat. I felt like I had run 12 miles. I felt sick to my stomach and I flashed to having to go through the process of being un-pregnant, telling people, figuring out how not to spiral into the deepest pit of despair ever. Then there was a heartbeat and even the doctor freaked out and said "don't DO that to me", he is invested too and I know he was scared. Nothing quite like me...
The next several days were filled with doubt. I couldn't sleep for DAYS. I went in on Monday and asked to hear the heartbeat. I have never done that with any of my pregnancies. When the NP who I saw asked if there was a change over the weekend from my appointment on Thursday I said no....I am just scared. I told myself that if there was a heartbeat and the baby was still alive I would try and BELIEVE that this baby may actually live and come home with us. I got a Doppler and it has actually really helped. At first it was as anxiety inducing as it was relieving and I used it only every several days....Now...I use it almost everyday.
A Doppler would not have saved Camille's life. She was alive at 10pm at night and dead by 3am in the morning. There isn't anything that could be done at this point anyway. I am not far enough along. Right now it is a sit and wait and hope situation.
I just told the owner of the clinic where I work last week that I am pregnant. I am still not OUT about my pregnancy although everyone suspects and asks questions behind my back because....it is pretty obvious. I got pregnant 6 months after giving birth to a full term baby....this is my third pregnancy. My body has no problem "outing" me to the world.
The truth is, no matter how much I want to BELIEVE that this will work out....I am still scared. I have the baby's anatomy scan next week and I think I will believe a little more after that appointment if all goes well.
I am so attached to this baby. I was attached after my first ultrasound, that is just how my heart works. I am "all in" from the beginning. I want to be detached but that isn't my style. I want Camille but I can't have her. I want this baby but it feels like such a distant reality.
All I can do is sit and wait and hope....Oh and try not to FREAK THE F-OUT!