About Me

My photo
My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Ultrasound And All That Other Stuff


So here I am finally able to update. My computer hasn't worked in months and so I have to wait until I have extended access to my husbands laptop. I also want to thank everyone for their kind words, emails, comments etc. They mean more than I can express and your thoughts buoy me. Some of this post is a copy of exchanges via email I had with my friend Mary Beth and I was too lazy to retype it.

This last week was SO hard. D finalized his "Head Master" position (yeah I bet he loves that title..haha) on Tuesday, the same day and time as our anatomy scan. My dear friend April came from Santa Cruz and held my hand as I cried.

The woman who came in to do my ultrasound...I think she had been in my room for 2 seconds by the time I started firing questions at her. She was kind and said that the perinatologist would be able to answer them. I just wanted to know if she was going to be looking at specific things...haha She said she had been working there for two weeks (she has done ultrasounds for a lot longer, just new to childrens hospital) .. um...way to attack the new girl. She asked why I was so upset and I told her... because there isn't a picture of my daughter with "danger danger crazy lady" signs on the front of my file. She said that the scan she did on me is the easiest one she's done in a long time because the morphology of the patients she usually sees makes it difficult to visualize structures (read everyone she scans is totally obese) I guess me being 20 pounds over my usual weight although I am still in the normal range for my height doesn't put me in the category of fat in anyone else's book except mine.

The results of the scan show that right now baby looks normal...which is great right? right...it's great! it is really. I get so emotional every time I see that baby moving around being alive. The sonographer also gave me a 3D picture of the baby which I guess is totally hush hush but she said "considering your history, and your husband can't be here...." I have never seen any of my babies in 3D...I expressed my gratitude, and no offense to anyone who is into those, but I find them somewhat creepy.

The I met with the perinatoloist who my friend wants to make out with (he is super black with light eyes and has an African accent, he is very kind and patient and takes all the time in the world to answer my bazillion questions)...He always tries to reassure me and tells me he would tell me if anything was concerning to him. I always ask him about the numbers and the percentages. Last ultrasound the baby was measuring 1 day ahead. This ultrasound the baby was measuring 2 days behind...ALL NORMAL. He said that if we did a scan next week it could flip flop again. BUT of course that concerns me because everything concerns me.
We were going to find out the sex but D couldn't come to the scan so I asked the sonographer to take a picture or write it down and put it in an envelope so we could open it later that evening.

So the thing is, as we all know, the sex of the baby is so tertiary... With Camille we did not know she was a girl until she was born. I thought it would be fun to wait because we didn't care what sex the baby was. And then we had a girl... And all of a sudden I had fantasies of raising a girl that would never come to fruition.

Then I got pregnant with this baby and all we want is for this baby to be healthy and alive. We all want a healthy living baby in the not so cliche way that only a mama whose baby has died can understand. That being said I would be lying if I said I didn't have a preference. I hate that, it makes me feel like a total A-Hole to say that it matters even a little because it doesn't, but...I lost my daughter and so I honestly did want this one to be a girl. The great thing about having a child already is that I KNOW you want the one you get. Boy or girl you don't want them to be anyone except who they are.

It is easier for me to imagine raising two boys because I've been raising a boy for over 3 years. That imagined life is full of joy and love. Before Camille I never had this huge desire for a girl other than it would be fun to see what she looked like. I was such a tomboy growing up, Super rough and tumble (I'm way more girlie now). The thought of pink sparkles and tutus seemed overwhelming. I know each child is themselves and having an older brother influence will have an impact but you know what I mean. Like I said we didn't know Camille was a girl and she was due in July...IT IS HELL here in the summer...I mean out of control hot and we knew we would have everything if we had a boy and I am super practical. No nursery was set up, only diapers and one pack of white onesies were purchased. No baby shower...nothing. I can't tell you how many times I have cried that I never bought even ONE little dress. It BREAKS MY HEART!

So... if I had a boy I would be thrilled and sad simultaneously. Knowing my chances of raising a daughter were gone would be sad and would add to the loss for me.
If I had a girl I would be thrilled and sad simultaneously. I would be able to know what it was like to live out some of the fantasies of raising a daughter that only exist because Camille was Camille. The sad part is that another girl is not Camille and can not replace her. I don't want heart and mind confusion about that whole replacement dilemma.

So all that being said we found out we are having a girl.  I was not expecting it. I thought this baby was a boy. I have thought every baby I have been pregnant with since I had my son, was a boy.  My son said "I told you" because he knew. He knew with Camille too. I felt slightly relieved but not even that. No joy, no jumping up and down. Just, I hope this one lives. And then later I lost my shit and was balling because I miss Camille so much and I can't have her. I literally was crying on my friends shoulder. I vomited at 1 am that night/morning from total stress overload.

I love this baby already but...it's not a given that we will get to bring this baby home. I am 19 weeks pregnant, almost halfway cooked, and I want to believe. I am scared, but I also have a lot of hope...I just hope! Please keep living baby girl.

These were taken in our backyard today with our hightech superspif camera phones :)





31 comments:

  1. Congratulations! You look great :) I am so glad to hear that the scan was all normal and that you have another little girl. <3

    (also, my husband is totally creeped out by the 3D US pics, too)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yup, my husband also thinks they are weird. :) So glad everything looked good!! Yay for Camille's little sister!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello as well, awsome photos and I am so glad baby is doing well and the scan is normal. Your so right that in the end it doesnt matter but I am hoping for a boy. Congrats on baby girl!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congrats on the baby girl and more importantly the healthy baby! I know the gender is tough and it takes a bit to soak in. that little girl is so lucky to have you loving on her so much already.

    Wishing the very, very best for her future.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am thrilled you are having another girl! I too would have been happy with either and would actually love to have another girl someday. But I knew I would not feel complete without being able to raise a boy after losing Hayes. It was just something I needed. You look great, and I'm so happy baby sister does too!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're looking great Renel. Congratulations on a healthy baby girl.
    I'm already in the 'gender dilemma' but healthy is the priority :) So glad your little girl is growing well. Di xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wonderful news about your scan.. and so happy for you to hear that all is going well :) You look fantastic :)) xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Congrats on your baby girl! So happy to hear everything is going well :) You look great!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had a sense this is where this post was headed. I'm so happy your baby is healthy, and it is lovely news you're having another girl. I get it though, I really do. Though Hope was my first, and I went on to have Angus after her, I really felt like this when I found out Juliet was a girl. When we found out, we told no one and I mean no one. We didn't even tell anyone we knew and were keeping it a secret, as I felt really weird about knowing. I of course did want another little girl, but really I didn't care and I found it hard to convey that. And I know everyone just assumed we wanted another girl and would think that we'd somehow be better, healed, over it with another girl as we'd all of a sudden have a perfect little family. As you know, totally not so. I was a relief and pure joy to have Juliet, but it is also really sad as well, because she doesn't get to grow up with her big sister. And she makes me wonder even more what Hope might have been like.
    I know I am lucky though. I lost my girl, then I struck gold and got a living boy and girl. I still just miss her, and wonder, that's all.
    I really am so happy for you.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't love another boy but most of all I would just love to conceive and bring a baby home to raise and love. Renel, i'm so happy that baby girl is healthy and half way here! And how beautiful are you!? You look great.

    Remembering Camille always. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tash- I often wonder if you cringe when seeing people take photos with their phones. I would be so happy to have a super fancy camera but the pictures may turn out just as "fabulous" as a phone picture without skill behind the clicker you know?

      Delete
    2. Never cringe no. I love phone photos, they're real and in the moment and full of memories. Sometimes it just takes too much time to grab a big camera. We took Liam's photos with J's phone and my last bump pics in the hospital bed too.

      You look amazing Renel. Can't wait to see your belly bloom. xx

      Delete
  11. one step at at time, so glad that everything looks good so far! I obviously didn't CARE if this baby was a boy or a girl, but when they told me it was another girl, I felt very happy and relieved, so I realized that I had secretly been hoping for a girl. Just hoping we get the chance to raise these two little girls!

    ReplyDelete
  12. So glad things are going well. I'm thrilled to hear you're having a girl (and my feelings about the gender are much the same as yours... which is part of the reason we chose not to find out). I am SO freaking happy for you. And rooting for this baby girl.

    P.S. I wanted to tell you that David's grandmother went to Sacramento to visit his aunt and when she came home, she was telling me about these beautiful flowers blooming everywhere out there. She said they were some of the most beautiful she'd ever seen, and she'd asked someone what they were and was told they are camellias, which of course made me think of your Camille. I wish our two blooming girls were here, and I'm so grateful for the potential of these new babies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for that Brooke... My grandmother had many camellias and when they bloom you clip them close to the blossom and float the in a bowl of water (preferably crystal). We had planted a camellia in our back yard and it always reminded me of her. Than we had Camille and they remind me of her and my grandma. We received two camellia plants after our daughter died and one bloomed 6 months after Camille died. They white ones are my favorite. They are very delicate and fall apart easily.

      Delete
    2. Renel, we also planted a Camellia after Max died. It, too, bloomed for the first time on his six month anniversary. Reading your comment here gave me a little shiver! I was told that camellias express the sentiment of longing, and it seemed the perfect flower for me to plant to remember my baby. They are delicate and fragile, as he was. Thanks for the tip of cutting off the blossom and floating it in water, I had not thought of that!

      Delete
  13. I am so happy that she is healthy and that you are getting another chance to raise a daughter :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Congratulations on the baby girl- I know there is no "easy" gender after losing your daughter... It's all irrelevant and inconsequential but at the same time I know you are going to love this little girl to pieces- cnt wait to watch. :) congrats on a healthy babe.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You look so beautiful! I'm so glad to hear that everything looks good with your little girl. Your perinatologist sounds fab, glad you've got good people looking after you.

    It's complicated after I think. Your description of your feelings around the gender of this little one rang so true for me. When I found out I was pregnant, I genuinely didn't mind whether I had a boy or a girl. I was convinced, for the first 12 weeks, that the girls were a boy. Some mother's intuition eh? Then, after Georgina died, I desperately wanted another girl and also felt like a total idiot for even having the slightest preference. Thrilled and sad either way is a very good summary.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You look great!! I'm glad you're half-way there and things are looking good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Here's hoping you will have some happy, less stressful moments, where maybe you can even buy a dress or two :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, Renel, you look so beautiful! Congrats on the wee girl cooking, and that everything looks perfect and normal and uneventful. I hope you have lingering times of peace, calm, and equanimity in the weeks ahead! xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  18. You know I am beyond thrilled for you, right? Thinking of you always. xo

    ReplyDelete
  19. You look fabulous! Congratulations on your healthy little one, light and love, beautiful thoughts being sent to you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congratulations! I'm so glad that things are looking good with your new little one. Hopeful right here with you.

    I know this may not be much of a consolation when you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, but seriously, you don't look the least bit overweight to me, and you ROCK those stripes. Beautiful.

    Celebrating your new baby girl, and always remembering your other precious girl Camille. xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Again, you type what I think! Exactly. I am scared that if we decide to try again I will be upset that it is a boy, even though the girl would never be Avery! Thank you for your blog, so much. It helps me feel normal in all of my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This post my me ball my eyes out! It's like i'm reading my exact thoughts!! You're so strong not cause you want to be but you are so brave for facing all these emotions and thoughts. Thank you for sharing them! Its hard to be only hopeful that this baby will live when it was robbed with Camille. We just have different thoughts that other "normal moms" do. I hate that!

    You do look absolutely beautiful and that oh belly is soooooo darling! I love seeing that a life is inside of you again, brings a smile to me. Also I love that Kai said "i told you" sometimes kids are so wise!

    Sending you love!

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are simply adorable. Wonderful news, Renel. I hope things continue to go smoothly.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Obviously alive and healthy is what we all wish for. But I can't help but have a gender preference! So glad that baby girl is growing and thriving. You are obviously taking very good care of her. And you look fantastic (even if you don't always feel fantastic). Thank you for posting the photos.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Most loan applications by people with bad credit
    are rejected by lending institutions. With a bad credit payday loan it is made for individuals with bad credit and nearly everyone is approved.


    my web-site: Payday Loans In Missouri

    ReplyDelete
  26. Keyword research is without a question, the single most vital aspect of
    any SEO project. Choosing a excellent keyword expression can indicate the difference
    between generating hundreds of interested extra site visitors per month
    and a wasted effort.

    Visit this blog for more Best Long Tail Keyword Tool.

    ReplyDelete

I would love to hear what is on your mind