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My second child and our first daughter, Camille, died and was born on June, 30 2011 when I was full term at 38 weeks pregnant. I gave birth to my rainbow baby, a second daughter, on August 31, 2012. This is me trying to figure out how to be a mother to my living son and daughter and function in society after our tragic loss.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Wishing Well

We went to the farmers market the other night. The weather was absolutely perfect. We were eating cherries and strawberries and walking around. Kai asked for a coin to make a wish in the fountain. I gave him a dime because they are lucky (I used to tape one to my shin guard during soccer games in college).
He went to the fountain and tossed it in. He came back and I said "I hope it was a good wish" and we started to walk. Kai says "I wished this baby would keep growing, and come home to live with us"...
It kind of took my breath away. It made me want to cry. That a three year old would wish for the same exact thing I would wish for, that he would wish for something so big and something so simple simultaneously. He didn't wish for the newest toy or a trip to an amusement park, but for a living breathing baby sibling. These are the moments when I realize, even more so than usual, just how desperately he wanted Camille, and misses her. He is no ordinary child, he has been shaped significantly by our family's loss. I just squeezed his little hand in mine and said "that is a really lovely wish, I sure do hope it comes true, I wish for the same thing all the time." And then we went to go look at the policemen on horses and we got some honey sticks and some corn on the cob. It was a good opening day of the farmers market.

These are the kinds of pictures we get sent home from day care. I know Kai thinks about Camille. Sometimes they are photos of our family with her in it, sometimes just her by herself, and this is the more recent one....the title they wrote when they asked him what he drew. They didn't give it to me for a while, but Kai asked me where it was and I told them that he is free to talk and draw and communicate in any form he wants to about his sister. I am just glad that he thinks of her. Like I said, It is his reality too. I sure do love my boy...and my girl. 

22 comments:

  1. Oh I hope that baby keeps growing too! What a wonderful wish! Yay for nice weather.

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  2. Sweet boy. Breaks and warms my heart at the same time.

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  3. Wow at that wish and title. I think it's great he thinks of her and feels comfortable talking about it. I have the same wish for y'all too.

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  4. He really is a remarkable little soul Renel. Sending lots of hope and light your way mamma.

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  5. Tears in my eyes. What a sweet, beautiful soul your little boy has. So evidentially and openly he loves his sister and already the love for his new sibling is shining through... just so beautiful.

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  6. what a sweet, sweet, heartbreaking thing. So tragically beautiful.

    I sure hope his wish comes true.

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  7. What a sweet wish. You're so lucky to have him.

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  8. I hope the wish comes true for your family. Your son sounds so precious.xo

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  9. Your Kai is an amazing little soul. Hoping and wishing with him xo

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  10. What an incredible little guy you have there <3
    He is and will continue to be a wonderful big brother, I'm sure.

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  11. Oh my lord... "ashes". Who but a child would think of such a thing...who but an innocent, wise soul. Truly he's a special one. Can you imagine what kind of brother he's going to be to this, this living baby, when he's so wonderful to the one who's not physically present? Touches me to the core, both his wish and his picture. May his wish come true...

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  12. So beautiful... amazing how our little 3 y.o's think about their little sisters and miss them so much. Their love is so unconditional and gentle. Your son sounds like such a wise soul and so lovely of him to wish for his other little sibling with you xoxo

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  13. Your Kai is a beautiful soul... He is the keeper of little sister Camille. xx

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  14. I love this post, and I love that Kai is able to express his love for his sister through art, even at such a young age.

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  15. Your son is a little boy that lives real life with its ups and downs and tragedies. He will grow up to be compassionate and caring individual, and he will be able to handle everything that comes along his way.

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  16. Tears reading this. What a sweet son you have.
    so

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  17. Reading this took my breath away too.
    I am always blown away about what you write about Kai. He is so special. so is Camille. So is this rainbow baby.
    I hope all of your wishes come true, Renel. xoxo

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  18. So sweet! It is so touching to witness the love our little ones feel for their siblings who aren't with us. Glad you shared such a special moment and I hope his wish comes true, too.

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  19. So sweet, that boy. He is one special soul.
    xo

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  21. The grief of brothers is something real, and heartbreaking. I feel like my son has been more of a companion to me in my mourning than even my spouse sometimes. I've wondered sometimes if the connection between mother/son impacts their sense of loss, if they pick up on our mourning, and reflect that as well as their own grief.

    I hope this little one makes it home alive, too:)

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